Blumhouse's Truth or Dare gets my grade of D for dumb

Movie Title:   Blumhouse's Truth or Dare

Grade:   D for dumb

Rating: PG-13

In a Nutshell:  Brought to the Big Screen by the same producers as the award winning Get Out   and Happy Death Day this horror teen flick scored a terrible 15% on Rotten Tomatoes for being lame.  

It's so bad that I can see teens renting it on Red Box so they can laugh at it in their mom’s basement while snacking on Cheetos on a Friday night.

                               

Tips for parents: 

• Peer pressure
• Spring Break “debauchery”
• Where are the parents in this movie?
• Where are the bras in this movie?
• Some profanity and crude language.
• A teen sets a woman on fire
• Underage drinking and drunk teens
• Talk of sex and lots of kissing
• Gay teens kissing
• People die in brutal ways.
• Creepy voices and faces
• Lots of risky behavior
• Guns
• Talk of suicide 

Uplifting theme: 

• Choice and accountability
• Sacrifice for others
• Don’t get drunk and make stupid choices 

                                             

Things I liked:

• Shout-out for Habitat 4 Humanity
• My kids make that same creepy face that the “truth or dare” demon made people make, so it actually made me laugh. I'm sure it's supposed to be scary, but everyone just laughs. 

Things I didn’t like:

• Most of the characters are tools, so it’s hard to care very much about them.  You pretty much WANT them to die.
• Super clichéd dialogue
• Super cliched scenes
• Plot holes
• Snapchat opening sequence, which was kind of interesting and lame at the same time.  I hate Snapchat. 
• When one of the friends would die, the other friends never even stopped to mourn, but would just go about their day.
• The last few scenes were just stupid.
• The best friends constantly turn on each other.
• The back story between Olivia and Markie was just lame.
• Stupid jump scares.
• Halfway through the movie, the rules of Truth or Dare change. Lame.
• If you want to see a fun horror movie with a PG-13 rating and still in theaters now, go see A QUIET PLACE.

Funny lines:

• “Your dad didn’t know you were gay?  Your ring tone is Beyonce.” – Lucas Moreno (Tyler Posey)

“Everyone loves Beyonce.” – Brad Chang (Hayden Szeto)

                               

                                          @trinaboice

Winchester disappoints in the telling of a true spooky tale

Movie Title:      Winchester

Grade:  D

Rating: PG-13, 
1 hour 39 minutes

In a Nutshell:   I don’t like scary movies, but I was curious about this one because I grew up very close to the actual Winchester Mystery House in San Jose, California.  

I wanted to see what the Spierig brothers would do with it. Whenever we would drive by the spooky mansion, I would shudder.  I was told the creepy stories of the house, but never actually visited the tourist attraction.  It is still one of the most haunted mansions in the USA.

With lots of jumps and scares, it’s a pretty clichéd horror movie.

Like many of the stairs at the Winchester mansion, the movie doesn’t go anywhere.   

By the way, this film is not connected to Supernatural: Season 1 - Part 1 [Region 2]   .

                                             

Tips for parents: 

• Some creepy, scary moments.
• Guns and death.

                                           

Uplifting theme: 

• “Sometimes we need a little help to see the difference between reality and illusion.” – Dr. Eric Price (Jason Clarke)
• “Fear only exists in your mind.” – Dr. Eric Price
• Those who die are still alive.

                                    

Things I liked:

• Helen Mirren is a national treasure that both England and America like to claim.  I was kind of surprised she would go for a movie like this.  She was great, as always.

Things I didn’t like:

• The first time you meet Jason Clarke's character, you see him with a bunch of prostitutes, so you think he's a scumbag, making it hard to feel connected to him throughout the entire movie.
• The real reason why Sarah Winchester kept building on to her house is actually changed in this movie.  Why?  As a little girl, I was told that she believed that if she kept building, the spirits would be confused and not harm her.  Very little of the movie was filmed at the real Winchester mansion because the rooms are too small and dark.
• The movie missed out on a real opportunity of showing what the house is really like.  There are stairs that lead to nowhere, windows in the floors, and doors that opened into walls. Creepy.  Lionsgate purchased the rights to the images in the mansion, so now tourists are no longer allowed to take pictures when they tour the home.  Lame.
• Pretty clichéd.

Interesting lines:

• “Instruments of death have a powerful connection to the afterlife.” -  Sarah Winchester (Helen Mirren)
• “Grief can be far more crippling than arthritis, Doctor.” – Sarah Winchester, who had terrible arthritis
• “There are worse things in this world to lose than that, Doctor.” -  Sarah Winchester talking about losing control of her company holdings in the Winchester rifle empire. 

@trinaboice

Wish Upon makes you wish it were a better movie

Movie Title:  Wish UPON

Grade:  D

Rating: PG-13, 89 minutes

In a Nutshell:   Cliched and not very good, this horror movie would be fun to watch at a sleepover with a bunch of teenage girls while they make fun of it the entire time.  There are so many moments that are just laughable.

Uplifting theme: 

• Be careful what you wish for.
• The most meaningful life is one that is filled with service and love for others.

Things I liked:

• I interviewed some people who were coming out of the movie, before I saw it, and they said they thought it was really scary.  It’s not, but the audience I sat with seemed to really get a kick out of it and reacted quite vocally to jumps and scares and bad choices the actors on screen were making.
• Joey King does a pretty good job as Clare Shannon.  This is her 4th horror movie.
• I thought it was hilarious when Tyler (Alexander Nunez) fell asleep with his cell phone in his hand.  Such a teenager. Then, when Darcie wakes up, rotting in various parts of her body, he immediately starts taking pictures and posting them online.
• There’s a Pokemon Go app rip-off about demons that was kind of funny.
• I actually liked the surprise ending.
• Ki Hong Lee is such a likable guy in all his movies.

Things I didn’t like:

• It’s very similar to The Possession and seems like a total rip-off of previous books and movies you have seen.  Original it is not.  On IMDB, it says the film is loosely based on W.W. Jacobs' short story The Monkey's Paw.
• The romantic story in the film just didn’t work or seem the least bit believable to anyone in the audience.
• There was this really weird stock footage of a bunch of buildings in a city shot.  What the ??  Even the sound effects and musical score sounded like mostly stock music clips.
• There’s this really weird color correction that changes during scenes.  I’m not sure if it was intentionally placed in order to show Clare’s moods or just accidentally changed during editing.  ???
• The characters are all pretty one-dimensional.
• SPOILER:  There is a suicide in the movie, but they don’t spend any time exploring the emotions that could have provided some depth to a character arc.
• Some of the acting was really bad.
• I'm not sure it was a good marketing strategy to advertise that the same people who did Annabelle did this movie, because that film wasn't very good either.
• SPOILER: What about wishing for world peace? A cure for cancer?  End hunger?  All of Clare's wishes were extremely selfish.  Admittedly, some of my wishes would focus on myself, but I'd like to think I'd eventually start thinking of others!

  

Funny lines:

• “Apparently, karma is a bigger “B” than Darcie Chapman.” – Meredith McNeil        (Sydney Park)

Tips for parents: 

• Lots of crude language
• Portrayal of a suicide and discussion of others
• Someone flips the bird
• Lots of really rude people
• Bullying
• Lots of brutal deaths

MOVIE REVIEW MOM

@trinaboice 

The Mummy unwraps a sexy monster to introduce a new Universal Studio Dark Universe

Movie Title: 
The Mummy (2017)

Grade:  B

Rating:  PG-13, 120 minutes

In a Nutshell: Universal Studio’s Dark Universe presents a sexy, new mummy that hopes to kick-start a new universe of monster movies. It drops a lot of hints of what’s to come.

The film's tagline, "Welcome to a new world of gods and monsters," is a quote from the 1935 Bride of Frankenstein...soon to be remade by Universal Studios.

Critics are picking this origin movie apart, but it's fine for a summer popcorn flick that'll entertain you plenty in air conditioning.   

Uplifting theme: 

• “Death is the doorway to new life.  We live today.  We shall live again. In many forms shall we return.” Egyptian prayer of resurrection
• “The past cannot remain buried forever.” – Dr. Henry Jekyll (Russell Crowe)
• “Where’s your sense of adventure?” – Nick Morton (Tom Cruise)
• Good vs. evil. 

                                                         

Things I liked:

• Tom Cruise is incredibly dedicated and hard-working in this film.  He takes a serious beating in almost every scene and just keeps going and going like the Energizer Bunny.  He said in an interview with Regal movie theater about the film, “The sets are magnificent.  They’re beautiful.  They’re haunting” and then later, “It’s a helluva lot of fun.” 
• Sophia Boutella is really great as a seductive female mummy.  We’ll see her again soon in Atomic Blonde: The Coldest City.
• Russell Crowe’s character was a surprise to me, but a pleasant one.  We’re sure to see more of him in this role. No spoiler!  I want you to be surprised too!
• It’s better in 3D.
• I liked the little details, such as Ahmanet’s blue, cracked fingernails.
• Some of the set pieces are pretty cool and the special effects are impressive.
• Lots of fun jumps and scares.
• I liked Annabelle Wallis a lot.  Unfortunately, she played a damsel in distress in almost every scene, but she was still pretty to watch.
•  There is a welcome sense of humor.
• The zero gravity scene in the airplane was really good.  Apparently, it took 64 takes and most of the crew got nauseous, except for Tom Cruise and Annabelle Wallis.
• The next time you're at Universal Studios, be sure to watch their hilarious and informative "Horror Make-up Show."

Things I didn’t like:

• There are a lot of exposition scenes.  They're necessary, although a bit annoying.
• Jake Johnson was a mildly entertaining sidekick, although sometimes an odd addition.  Tom Cruise was funnier than the designated comic relief.

·   The film feels like action sequence, explanation scene, action sequence, explanation scene, etc.

• No end-of-credits scenes.  Drats.  Marvel rocks at those.
• Camel spiders.  EEEEK!
• Tom Cruise plays a protagonist who isn’t really a stellar hero.  He’s a flawed man who was in the wrong place at the wrong time .  His set of moral standards is questionable.  For example, Jenny yells, “You stole from me!” and his justification that he is still a good person is, “But I didn’t lie!”
•  Did you ever see the first trailer?  Tom Cruise lets out this extremely unpleasant, high-pitched scream that seems to have been replaced in the film, thank goodness. 

Funny lines:

• “We are not looters.  We are liberators of precious antiquities.” – Nick Morton (Tom Cruise)
• “I’m sorry.  We’re just never going to happen.  It’s not me.  It’s you.” – Nick Morton
• “Wow!  That was intense.” – Chris Vail (Jake Johnson)

Interesting lines:

• This is not a tomb.  It’s a prison.” – Jenny Halsey (Annabelle Wallis)
• “There are worse fates than death.” – Ahmanet
• “Evil never rests.” – Dr. Henry Jekyll
• “Sometimes it does take a monster to fight a monster.” –Dr. Henry Jekyll

Tips for parents: 

• This probably should have been a Rated R movie.  There is a lot of sexual innuendo, but more than that.  There are some kinky moments and bare naked moments of Tom Cruise (covering his middle parts), and a naked side shot of Sophia Boutella. 
• There are a ton of bloody, gory, fighting, destructive scenes.
• There is talk of an affair.
• Some profanity.
• Lots of dead bodies, scary mummies, and high body count.

                                            @trinaboice 

Get Out is Jordan Peele's directorial debut

Movie Title:  Get Out

Get Out (Blu-ray + DVD + DIGITAL HD)

Grade:  B+

Rating:  R, 104 minutes

In a Nutshell:  We all know Jordan Peele for his comedic talents in funny sketches with Kegan, as well as in his recent feature film Keanu, but this is his directorial debut in a horror flick.  I was curious to see how and what he would do.

The movie addresses racism, but with a sense of humor that is refreshing and satirical at the same time.  

Uplifting theme: 

•  Friendship, loyalty
•  Color shouldn't matter
•  Judgement vs. unconditional love
•  Pay attention to your instincts and your gut feelings

Things I liked:

• Daniel Kaluuya is actually from England, but his American accent was spot on as Chris Washington.
•  The first scene and opening music are creepy, setting the perfect tone for this interesting horror flick.
• More Bradley Whitford, please.  I loved him in the fantastic The West Wing: The Complete Series Collection and THE GOOD GUYS SEASON 1 TV series.
• LilRel Howery was hilarious as Rod Williams.  We're sure to see more of him in future movies.  

Things I didn’t like:

• A lot of scenes are at night time, so this movie will look super dark on a computer screen.
• Tons of racist comments, words, and attitudes.
• Some of the scenes have awkward pacing.
• Later, when I thought about why Walter ran towards Chris and then instantly changed directions before slamming into him, it didn't really make any sense, other than to provide a freaky moment for the audience.  
• Do you believe in hypnotism?  I earned extra credit in college for letting a psychology grad student try to hypnotize me.  It didn't work, but I still got the extra points for my grade.  Got an A.  

Funny lines:

• “You realize you’re coming off as the world’s biggest douche bag, right?” –  Rose Armitage (Allison Williams)
• “The TSA tingles!” – Rod Williams (LilRel Howery)
• “I mean I told you not to go in that house!” – Rod
• “How did you find me?” – Chris

“I’m TS – fxxcking A. We handle shxx.” – Rod

Tips for parents: 

• TONS of F-bombs and other profanity.
• People flip the bird.
• Pre-marital relationships.
• Blood, gore, violence.
• Lots of racial tension, slurs, and prejudice.
• Creepy

@trinaboice 

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children is too scary for children

Movie Title:   Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children

Grade:   B-

Rating:  PG-13, 127 minutes

In a Nutshell:  This is a Tim Burton movie, so you know it’s going to have some weird and creepy images, even if it’s considered a child’s movie.  The film was adapted from Ransom Rigg’s best-selling novel, which was part of a popular trilogy.  So, does that mean we’re going to see two more of these films?  Um…have you heard of money?

Uplifting theme: 

• “It’s time to learn what you can do.” – Miss Peregrine
• “We don’t need you to make us feel safe, because you made us feel brave, and that’s even better.” – Emma
• Aging, family, life, love, sacrifice for others

Things I liked:

• Good special effects.   The film cost $110 million to make.  Worldwide, it earned $65 million during its opening weekend.
• Great production value.
• If you like time loop movies that go back and forth in time, you’ll like this, although it doesn’t make much sense in the end, so don’t overthink it.
• Jake explains that his grandfather talked about a lake in Puerto Rico that glows in the dark.  I’ve been there!  It’s awesome!  It’s called Bahia Fosforescente.
• Great casting.  Eva Green is perfect for a Tim Burton film because she’s already so quirky and mysterious.  Her low voice sounded like she had smoked 3 packs of cigarettes a day though…or in the case of this movie, pipes.
• It was hilarious to hear those two young Welsh boys rap with their thick accents.
• One of Ralph Waldo Emerson’s books is featured.  Go Ralph!  By doing a search on FamilySearch.org, I learned I’m related to that iconic American writer.
• I’m many years away from being a grandmother, but I would hope that I could have the loving, loyal relationship with my grandchildren that Abe has with Jake.
• The adult actors you’ll recognize are Eva Green, Allison Janney (I love her), Rupert Everett, Terence Stamp, Judi Dench, and Samuel L. Jackson.
• Asa Butterfield does a great job convincing us he’s an awkward teen, loyal grandson, and heroic boyfriend.  Unfortunately, he spends the majority of the movie just asking questions.
• Some of the peculiar children were downright adorable like Raffiella Chapman (Claire), Pixie Davies (Bronwyn), and Hayden Keeler-Stone (Horace).  Ella Purnell (Emma) really looked like she belonged in the 1940’s.
• As a twin myself, I was curious about the twin peculiars (played by Joseph and Thomas Odwell.)  Why were they covered up?  What was their peculiarity?  I laughed out loud when the audience finally learns those answers towards the end of the movie.
• It kind of feels like an X-Men mutant school for children.

Things I didn’t like:

• Samuel L. Jackson is completely transformed into a new character by simply giving him creepy eyes.  By the way, he has openly declared that he will move out of the United States if Donald Trump wins the presidency.  He has the only funny lines in the movie, but in some scenes it feels like he’s straining to act.
• It always bugs me in movies when the children have a huge secret and don’t tell their parents.  Personally, I always want to be a part of my children’s lives and help them with their challenges.  I’m sure there are a lot of things they don’t tell me, but at least I’m trying! Chris O’Dowd plays a father who is out of touch with his son.
• We don’t learn any backstory about the “peculiars.”  They are all very one-dimensional characters in this narrative.  I would have liked to learn more about them.  Maybe in the next two instalments of this trilogy we’ll learn more?  (I haven’t read the books.)
• The plot has some holes that will start to really bug you.

Interesting lines:

• “My dad said everything had already been discovered.” – Jake

Not everything, Jake.” – Miss Peregrine

Funny lines:

• “You’ve missed me again, Jake.  I take it accuracy is not your peculiarity!” – Barron (Samuel Jackson)
• Super shirt!” – Horace (Kayden Keeler-Stone)
• “Some of his dreams are prophetic.  Mostly they’re about clothes.” – Emma (Ella Purnell)
• “Oooh, you must put me in contact with your tailor.” – Barron
• Eventually, you’re going to run out of breath and it’ll all be over…death for your beloved Jake and Miss Peregrine, and everlasting life for me…ew… and a mint for you!” – Barron

Tips for parents:   

• Like all Tim Burton movies, this fantasy film has a lot of scary images and concepts, so I definitely wouldn’t recommend this for young children.  If it's still in theaters during Halloween, tweens will get a kick out of it as part of their spooky weekend.
• There are some scary monsters called ‘Hollows” that eat humans’ eyeballs.  There are a lot of scary images of dead adults and children with their eyeballs plucked out, as well as scenes of monsters eating them.
• There are quite a few skeletons, sometimes sitting around, other times fighting.
• Creepy doll puppets have a battle and one gets stabbed to death.
• SPOILER ALERT: Kids will love the end when the children outwit the adults. 

The Darkness is full of every scary cliche

Movie Title:      The Darkness

Grade:   D for doesn't bring anything new to the horror genre

Rating:   PG-13, 1 hour 32 minutes

In a Nutshell:  Nothing new here, folks, but if you’re like my son who loves to watch silly -scary movies with his friends once they hit Netflix, you’ll get a kick out of this one while you munch on popcorn.

Uplifting theme: 

• Lesson learned: don’t steal things from national parks.
• “The world is filled with things we simply can’t explain.” – Wendy Richards
• “Sometimes the answer you’re looking for comes from where you’re not looking.” – Simon Richards (Paul Reiser)

Things I liked:

• You get to see the evil creatures.  Yay.
• Fans of Agents of Shield will enjoy seeing Min-Na Wen as Wendy Richards.
• I live a few blocks from a street named Anasazi, as Southern Nevada was first inhabited by that tribe.  The movie uses Anasazi lore to build the story.
• I like that they tried to make the house seem really lived in and not just a set.  For example, there are tons of boxes in the garage, like at my house!  I loved their pretty kitchen cabinets.

Things I didn’t like:

• Who the heck is Jenny?  SPOILER ALERT:  We never get to find out.
• Full of scary movie clichés like lights that don’t work when you need them to, thunder at night, mopey teenager, a scary scene that turns into “just a dream”, and some typical jumps and scares.
• The ending is pretty anti-climactic.
• Teresa Morales (Alma Martinez) uses divining rods to locate the evil spirits.  When I was in San Antonio, I saw several ghost hunter tour groups wandering around town with those. The tourists loved every minute.
• Sometimes there are Spanish subtitles, but not always.  You’ll hear Teresa and Gloria yell “No pertenecen a esta casa!” a lot at the evil ones.   It means “You don’t belong to this house!”  “Salgan de aqui!” means “Leave here!”
• I’ve always loved Kevin Bacon, but he kind of looks a little creepy himself in this movie and he's not supposed to be the scary guy!  I'm surprised he agreed to be in this cheesy movie. Then again, did you ever see Tremors ?
• Peter Taylor and his wife Bronny (what kind of a name is that?!) discuss a previous affair he had.  He lamely defends himself by saying “The affair didn’t mean anything.”   Why do men think their wives will accept that as a valid excuse as if that makes everything fine?   Infidelity means everything in a marriage.  I was impressed with his wife when, later, she said “We deserve a happy ending, Peter.  I forgive you.”   
• Peter makes fun of his wife for wanting a Bible to look for answers or comfort.  He explains to her that you can’t find them in hotels anymore because people might be offended if there is only one religion represented by the hotel.  She says “Jesus!” and he replies, “Not any more.”
• This movie reminded me a lot of the last Poltergeist movie.
• Autism plays a big role in the plot.  Parents of autistic children might not like what is said about autism.
• The way you learn about the Anasazi mythology is when the characters watch YouTube videos....over and over again.

Funny lines:

•  “You’ve got stellar capacity!” – Simon Richards (Paul Reiser)

Interesting lines:

• “Dark forces exist everywhere.” -  (Ilza Rosario)
• “Demons bring out the darkness in people.” – Teresa Morales  (Alma Martinez)

Tips for parents:   

• There is discussion of an affair and infidelity.
• Bronny Taylor (Radha Mitchell) drinks a lot of Vodka to drown her sorrows.
• 1 F-bomb, some other profanity.
• Young children will be scared of the evil ones.  There is a scene with blood dripping down walls that will scare them, as well as creepy hand prints that appear.

The Forest addresses suicide and paranormal activity

Movie Title:      The Forest [Blu-ray] 

Grade:   C-

Rating:   PG-13, 1 hour 35 minutes

In a Nutshell:   This is the classic “January Junk” horror movie.  This will be a movie your teens will have playing in the background while they do something else.

I’m a twin.  So, there’s that…

Uplifting theme: 

•  Do not leave the path.
• If you’re sad, you’re more vulnerable.
• Don't go to Japan to kill yourself.  Try the sushi instead.

Things I liked:

• You get to see a little bit of Japan.
• The Aokigahara forest is a real place in Japan.  People really do go there to commit suicide, so much so that there is a sign at the entrance that encourages people to think of their families and call the suicide prevention hotline.  It’s the third most popular place in the world to commit suicide.   How sad.
• Fans of Game of Thrones and The Tutors will enjoy seeing Natalie Dormer play twins.
• Some creepy moments.
• Sara says her twin sister’s favorite poem by Sara Teasdale was “There will come Soft Rain”: “Not one would mind, not bird nor tree, if mankind perished utterly.  And Spring herself , when she woke at dawn, would scarcely know that we were gone.”  It’s an especially sad poem when you learn that Teasdale committed suicide.

Things I didn’t like:

• You’ll be watching a scary scene and then it turns into a dream.  Lazy writing.
• Cliched jumps and scares.
• A LOT of dumb “what’s behind that door?” moments
• It could have gone somewhere interesting, but didn’t.
• Super lame ending.

Interesting lines:

• “I kept my eyes closed, but she saw it all.” – Sara (Natalie Dormer)
• “If you see anything bad, anything strange, it’s not real.  OK. It’s not there; it’s here.” (pointing to his head)  - Michi (Yukiyoshi Ozawa
• “How’s it feel to be in the forest where she disappeared?” – Aiden (Taylor Kinney)

      “It feels… necessary.”  - Sara

Tips for parents:   

• Some profanity.
• Blood, maggots, stabbing
• Lots of talk about suicide.

The Boy could have really thrilled

Movie Title:     The Boy

Grade:  C

Rating:   PG-13, 1 hour 37 minutes

In a Nutshell:    Creepy.  Directed by William Brent Bell, this suspense horror could have gone in a much more interesting direction. Oh well.

Uplifting theme: 

•  Ummm.....don't be a nanny for people who pay you to babysit their weird doll?

Things I liked:

• Walking Dead fans will enjoy watching Lauren Cohan. 
• Creepy music and sound effects.
• You’ll never listen to the Brahms Lullaby the same way again. 
• There is a twist at the end, but nothing we haven't actually seen before.  I saw a movie with a similar ending many years ago.  For what it's worth, I haven't forgotten that movie because it disturbed me so much.  This one isn't done as well though.

Things I didn’t like:

• Full of plenty clichéd jump scares.
• Come on!  Turn the lights on!  Much of the movie is in the dark.
• OF COURSE there is a storm.  OF COURSE the telephone doesn’t work when you need it to. 
• SPOILER ALERT: Lots of running around in the dark.  (yawn)
• It leaves an opening for a sequel.  No thank you.
• Like the movie “The Sixth Sense”, the color red is used a lot, although I didn't catch any great symbolism in this film.
• Once you get to the end of the movie, you realize that a lot of things that happened simply didn't make sense.

Funny lines:

• “It’s something out of a story book, isn’t it?” – Greta     Yeah, like a horror story.  Hasn’t she learned to never go inside creepy looking houses?  Actually, I stayed in a home in England that looked a lot like that.  I couldn’t wait to get out of there.
• “You could have warned me you know?” – Greta        “And ruin the surprise?” – Rupert Evans (Malcolm)

Creepy lines:

•  “Be good to him and he’ll be good to you.  Be bad to him…” – Mr. Heelshire (Jim Norton)
• “Music gives him so much joy.  It’s his world.”  - Mrs. Heelshire (Diana Hardcastle)
• 
  
• 
  
• Tips for parents:   
• For a horror movie, there is no blood and gore.  Yay.
• There is some fighting & stabbing, mostly bloodless.
• You could talk about healthy and unhealthy relationships with your kids.

The Last Witch Hunter doesn't cast a spell on audiences

Movie:    The Last Witch Hunter

Rating:   PG-13, 1 hour 45 minutes

Grade:   C

In a Nutshell:    Timed perfectly for Halloween, this creepy action flick features Vin Diesel kicking evil witch butt.    Unfortunately, the film doesn’t cast a good spell on audiences and is getting horrible reviews from critics.   The plot is thin and the CGI is thick.

Uplifting Theme:

·         “There are shades of evil everywhere.” – Kaulder      (Luckily, good conquers evil.)

·         “I used to think the universe ran in circles, repeating itself, always predictable.  Now, I don’t know what happens next.” - Kaulder

“You know what we humans call that?   Living.” – Dolan 36th

Things I liked:

·         Vin Diesel.  So, yeah.  The movie isn’t great, but if you’re a Vin Diesel fan, you’ll still enjoy it.

·         Supposedly, the witch hunter character he plays in the movie is based on a Dungeons & Dragons character he played for years.   

·         It’s always good to see Michael Caine in anything, although he’s mostly dead during the majority of the movie.  He plays “Dolan 36^th”, who is a type of personal assistant to a rich playboy with fighting powers…sounds like his role in Batman Begins , eh?

·         Elijah Wood has the squeaky clean look of the priest he plays, but enough odd edge to make you wonder if he really is a good priest.

·         The beautiful French actress Julie Engelbrecht plays the Queen Witch, who is ugly and scary, but not very imaginative.  Her mother is the German actress Constanze Engelbrecht, who starred with Julie in her acting debut Adieu mon ami .

·         Fans of Game of Thrones: Season 4 [Blu-ray] will be happy to see the charming Rose Leslie play a “dream walker”.  I thought she had a kind of Kristen Stewart vibe.

·         The bar for witches was pretty cool with the floaty things and shimmering wisps.  Vin Diesel has special ways of identifying witches, but it’s not very hard: they all have tattoos, dress like Goths, and look like catwalk models. 

·         The visual design of the of the movie is pretty good, albeit mostly CGI.

Things I didn’t like:

·         LOTS of CGI effects, some of them pretty hokey.

·         It ends with some teasers to set you up for a sequel.  Do we want a sequel to this?

·         The plot is pretty predictable and is full of formulaic moments like slow-motion fighting, and swords driving home a death blow after spinning around a few times for dramatic flair.  Some things that happen are nonsensical.

·         Most of the scenes are dark and murky, just like the movie poster (pictured above).  This movie will get lost on a computer monitor.

·         Well, now the mystery of where all the bees have gone is uncovered.  They were saved up and used for this film.

·         Cliché creepy old doll.  Works every time though.

·         When the witches cast spells, it sounds like someone is playing a old LP record backwards like we used to do when we were kids to make a scary ghost sound.
-      There is a small amount of humor, but more would have made the film playful.  As it is, the movie takes itself pretty seriously.

Funny lines:  

·         “You want to quit?” – Kaulder

“No, I want a raise.” – Dolan 37^th

·         “Please don’t think less of me.  I’ll confess it later.” – Dolan 37^th after he punches a bad guy.

·         “There’s more to life than the dulcet tones of stewardesses.” – Dolan 36^th

What do you know about stewardesses? – Kaulder

“I wasn’t born a priest.” – Dolan 36^th

·         “You look like a terrible band from the 80’s.” – Grosette (Michael Halsey)

Interesting lines that are meant to sound cool and profound:

·         “The world is changing.” – Dolan 37^th

“Only on the surface.” – Kaulder

·         “You know, paper is the past.” – Kaulder

Words to know:

Necromancy = a method of divination through alleged communication with the dead

Tips for Parents:

·         Some of the scenes are pretty scary, especially the opening scene.  SPOILER ALERT:  Thankfully, there is only one really bad, scary witch and you don’t see her again until the end of the movie.

·         Some profanity.  Lots of fight scenes.

·         Lots of bugs crawling around.

·         Creepy skeletons floating around in the place where witches are banished.


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