Baywatch fills the beach with garbage

Movie Title:  Baywatch

Grade:  D for don't waste your time and money on this raunchy garbage

Rating:  R, 116 minutes 

In a Nutshell: 

Based on the popular 1990's TV show and timed perfectly for the beginning of summer and beach season, this vulgar film is terrible.

Uplifting theme: 

•  Saving lives 

Things I liked:

• The opening sequence when the Rock saves someone in the water at the beach is hilarious.  He’s so unbelievably buff.  Someone asks him, “Are you Batman?”  He replies, “Sure.  Just bigger and browner.”  Later, someone else says, “I heard he invented Google.”  He’s pretty amazing and I was really hoping this action comedy would be good.  So disappointing.
• Subtitles for surfer lingo.  Hilarious.  I lived in San Diego for 6 years, but never quite learned the language.
• David Hasselhoff returns to inspire the new leaders.  Notice the picture of him on the wall in the office.  Ha ha
• Alexandra Daddario's eyes are gorgeous.  So are Zac Efron’s.  Man, is he cut and tan in this movie.
• “Little Mitch” in the aquarium was pretty funny.
• Fun little surprise at the end for true Baywatch fans.
• Hilarious seeing Dwayne Johnson working at Sprint.
• Keep watching during the rolling credits at the end of the movie for some bloopers with the actors.
• The advice about being aware of “Sand Grifters” is a good one.  There are always plenty of scumbag thieves at the beach, just waiting for you to not pay attention.  Someone stole my brand, new beach towel while my husband and I swam in the water on our honeymoon. Stinkers.
• One of my sons was a lifeguard one summer…

Things I didn’t like:

• The first 15 minutes of the movie are about a guy who gets his “junk” stuck somewhere.  What, are the writers of this movie 12?  C’mon.
• It’s surprising that a Chinese film company (Shanghai Media Group and Huahua Pictures) would have anything to do with this filthy movie.  Their country rejects such profanity and vulgarity.
• The fire on the boat scene looked SUPER fake.  A LOT of the scenes look fake. 
• The movie definitely doesn't take itself seriously.  In fact, it would have been funny if it were just one big spoof on the source material.  It lost me the minute it took a swim in the gutter and became super trashy.
• After watching this movie, you're going to look in the mirror and never want to eat again.  The cast is in incredible shape.

Funny lines:

• “Everything you guys are saying sounds like an entertaining, but far-fetched TV show.” – Matt Brody (Zac Efron)
• “Why does she always look like she’s running in slow-mo?” – Summer (Alexandra Daddario)

“She’s the reason I believe in God.” – Ronnie (Jon Bass)

• “Jason Bourne ain’t got nothing on me.” – Matt Brody
• “Shoes?  You’re wearing workerman shoes? How far have you fallen?” – Hasslehoff
• “You people?  You people?!” – Matt Brody

“You don’t get to say that.  You’re just tan.” – Mitch Buchannon (Dwayne Johnson)

• “You’re like the Stephen Hawking of swimming, minus the paralysis part.” – Captain Thorpe (Rob Huebel)
• “He’s reckless and insubordinate.” – Mitch Buchannon

“Which is why we can afford him.” – Captain Thorpe

• “Hey, High School Musical!” – Mitch calls Zac Efron's character.        ha ha

Interesting lines:

• “Every man has his price.” – Victoria Leeds (Priyanka Chopra)
• “Leon doesn’t talk.  He’s a man of action and there’s a purity in that.” – Dave (Hannibal Buress) 

Tips for parents:

• This is a trashy movie.  There is a constant stream of crude, inappropriate jokes.  If you try to filter out the bad parts, this will be a 15 minute movie.
• You see tons of scantily clad and even a guy’s “package” completely naked.
• TONS of profanity and F-bombs, even in the soundtrack. 

@trinaboice 

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates is raunchy and disgusting

Movie Title:    Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates

  

Grade:  D- for disgusting

Rating:  R, 98 minutes of trash.   THIS MOVIE IS DEFINITELY R!

In a Nutshell:  Supposedly based on a true story, this vulgar comedy is always offensive and occasionally funny. 

Sam Richardson’s character explains the other characters well when he tells them, “You’re all self-absorbed, barely functioning, co-dependent weirdo’s.”  Yeah, pretty much.  They’re so moronic that they almost seem mentally retarded.   Not exactly my idea of good comedy.  Raunchy and disgusting.

Theme: 

• “I think reason we always get ourselves into such xxxx is because we’re always telling each other we’re awesome when we’re not being awesome.” – Alice
• “I think occasionally we should think about how we make other people feel.” - Alice

Things I liked:

• The cast is young, hip and really hot right now: Zac Efron, Anna Kendrick, Adam DeVine, and Aubrey Plaza.
• You get to see some fun things to do in Hawaii.  For example, you can actually drive ATV’s through the north part of Hawaii where they filmed portions of the movie Jurassic Park.

Things I didn’t like:

• This is a very crude movie with very little redeeming value.
• Zac Efron and Anna Kendrick deserve much better material than this.  Why would they choose to make such a trashy movie like this?
• What’s going on with Anna Kendrick’s color-changing wig?
• Alice and Tatiana are total skanks.
• It’s so over the top that it’s just dumb. 
• If this is how American young adults behave, then our country is truly in trouble.
• This is what happens when people have more money than brains.
• The trailer pretty much shows all of the funny parts.
• Adam DeVine and Anna Kendrick have a surprisingly bad musical number at the end.
• Super crude outtakes at the end.

Funny lines:

• “We’re not party ruiners; we’re party creators.” – Dave Strangle
• “We don’t rile each other up!!!” – Dave

“We never get riled!!!” – Mike Strangle

• “Tatiana, your underwear needs more underwear.” – Alice
• “Look at that personality from behind.” – Mike
• “The key to teaching children is repetition.  You’d be surprised how stupid they are.” – Tatiana
• “You look like Burn Victim Barbie.” – Mike
• “You are not a loser.  Dude, you introduced me to the Ninja Turtles.” - Dave

Tips for parents:   

•  A million F-bombs and other profanity.
• Girls wearing very few clothes, sometimes none at all.
• There is some risky, disrespectful, reckless behavior that will make parents cringe.
• There is a naked massage scene and sauna scene that are extremely inappropriate and graphic.
• There is a lesbian who keeps hitting on one of the girls.
• You see full frontal female nudity, as well as another woman’s bare breast.
• There MANY sexual jokes and conversations.
• There is a lot of binge alcohol drinking.
• Two girls take the drug Ecstasy and go crazy for several hours.
• This movie is pure trash.