Monday, June 30, 2014

Transformers: Age of LOUD, crashing, exploding metal for 2 1/2 hours




Grade:  B
PG-13, 2 hours 37 minutes

In a Nutshell:   Lots and lots of flying, crashing, exploding metal.  I thought it was funny when an old man at the beginning of the movie sells pieces of his old, abandoned theater to Cade (Mark Wahlberg's character who builds things out of old trash), and says “Sequels are a bunch of crap.”   True fans will enjoy another round of twisted steel, but others may not endure this long, loud, 4th installment of Michael Bay’s Transformers franchise.

Among the new characters added in an attempt to add a fresh take are a Samari who quotes Haiku and a John Goodman voiced Autobot who spits out wisecracks as he chomps on his electronic cigar, one of the few items not used for product placement in the film.  Good and evil Transformers battle for 2 ½ hours in what feels like a Godzilla movie vs. Aliens meets Jurassic Park .

Uplifting theme:  There are several positive messages that run throughout the movie, including overcoming greed, living and fighting with honor, the importance of family, and how you better pick the right aliens as your friends if you want to survive.  Ha ha

Things I liked:
  • You get to see lots of close-up transformations which are extremely cool.
  • I’m always happy to see Mark Wahlberg, Kelsey Grammer and Stanley Tucci in anything.
  • There are a lot of cool aerial views.
  • I thought the high-rise buildings in Beijing were interesting.
  • Awesome, but short sequence at the beginning with dinosaurs.
  • Did you notice the “Got ammo?” bumper sticker on the Autobot truck?

Things I didn’t like:
  • Shia LaBeouf is one of the most talented young actors of today, but does not appear in this movie.  Unfortunately, he’s been too busy lately, getting into trouble for being a jerk.  I really hope he doesn’t self-destruct like Lindsay Lohan.
  • The movie is so loud with constant explosions that it’s often difficult to hear the wisecracks, which are also constant.
  • Director Michael Bay has stated that this film will kick off a second trilogy of Transformers movies.  I’m not so sure that’s a good thing.

Interesting lines:
  • Tessa, the bratty and disobedient (and beautiful, of course) teenage daughter, played by Nicola Peltz, says to her dad “No boys.  Graduate first. You do know that no one else has that rule.”  He responds “Rule? Don’t make it sound harsh.  It’s not a rule.  It’s wisdom.” 
  • “Contracts, like humans, expire.”  - bad transformer.   Sorry I started losing track of all of the good and bad transformers’ names….
  • “You promised me human intelligence…or is there such a thing?”  - bad transformer
  • “We’re human beings – we make mistakes.  That’s what we do.  Sometimes out of those mistakes come the most amazing things.”  - Cade Yeager
  • In Harold Attinger’s office, a sign on the wall says “Freedom isn’t free.”

Funny lines:
  • “Tess, I’m basically you’re uncle.  Su casa es mi casa.  We’re going to lose the casa.”  - Lucas
  • “Research lab?  It’s a barn, dude.”  - Lucas
  • “I don’t think you can own someone.  That was a like a long time ago…even in Texas.” – Lucas
  • “Dad, there’s a missile in the family room.”  - Tessa
  • “If he eats you, I get the GTO.”  - Lucas
  • “We lost them!  Good job, stranger from the cornfields!”  - Lucas
  • “You are so grounded!”  - Cade Yeager
  • “I’m not here to get your daughter; you’re here to help me get my girlfriend.”  - Shane
  • “That was insane!  It was awesome, but it was insane!” - Shane
  • “Romeo and Juliet, huh? You know how those two ended up?”  Cade Yeager
“In love.”   -  Tessa
“Dead.”   - Cade
  • Cade asks Shane “You stole mouthwash?”  Shane quips “I like to be fresh when I’m making out with your daughter.”  Cade barks“That’s never going to happen.”

Dumb lines:
  • “You don’t have a warrant!”   Cade     “My face is my warrant.”  - Titus
  • “I’m glad you don’t suck at everything, dad.”  - Tessa
  • “Human beings have asked us to play by their rules.  Well, the rules have just changed.”  - Optimus
  • “I’m literally going to kill you.”  - Cade to Shane
  • “That’s a bad idea, but I’m all about bad ideas.”  - Hound
  • “This one’s for you, A-hole.”  - green Transformer
  • Cade yells “Where are you going?”  Green transformer snaps “To lay some hay.”
  • “Never is here.”  - bad robot
  • “I’m coming for you.”  - Optimus Prime

Tips for parents:   I appreciated the parental aspect of the movie that features a dad trying to raise his daughter in a dangerous world.  He says to his gorgeous daughter with amazing legs “Sweetie, your shorts are shrinking by the second.”  Early in the movie he says “I promise you, one day I’m going to build something that matters.”  He’s an inventor, but what he builds that matters the most in the movie is his relationship with his daughter. This movie is long and loud.  Some profanity, lots of violence, and 1 F-bomb.
In case you missed the first 3 Transformers movies:

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